sovereignty you bitch.

did i really think you would follow through? hoped so. hoped for something exciting and so unlike me. despite my attempts to distinguish between your fake flattery and actual desires, i let myself be duped. that's how i feel: foolish. betrayed. embarrassed.

still, our brief smooches were nice. 

and then, and then, and then there's the other--
my emotions are all askew.

am i honestly entertaining the idea that any of them could ever be attracted to me? 

so desperate. so sad. so lonely.

 the bathroom closet in my new house smells like my homestay in berlin.

i don't think i've emotionally progressed past the age of sixteen.

seriously, still so much angst, so much hope, so much desperation, so much misunderstanding.

except now i have to pay bills and work and generally take care of myself on top of all of the body issues, longing to fit in, and uncertainty about my place in this world. 

 i'm still unable to work out how one day can be so fucking terrible, make me question every bit of my life, make me never want to leave this apartment again, make me burn myself, delete nearly all of the contacts in my phone, and how the next day i can be so content and find every little thing so meaningful and beautiful and alive.

i can't live up to my standards, either.